Many years ago, I was on the phone (back when land lines where a thing) with a close friend who was going through a hard time. She was on the verge of a breakup and feeling heartbroken and sad. After listening and empathizing about her situation, I felt the conversation going in a loop. She was blaming herself for not being “cool enough” and I was telling her again and again how untrue that was. After a few rounds of this, I snapped. “Hey, listen to me. I’m your friend and I know how cool and great you are. But you’ve got to believe it yourself, too. You’ve got to be your own best friend.”
To be honest, I don’t remember how those words landed with her at the time. In fact, I sadly lost touch with this friend a few years later, but somehow, the sentiment I shared with her has stayed with me all those years since.
You have to be your own best friend.
Have I always listened to my own advice? Of course not. But I know that deep down, everything in our lives is impacted by how we feel about ourselves. Everything from how we show up in our romantic relationships and friendships, how we parent, how we navigate work, how we cope with stress and anxiety, and much more is all subconsciously driven by our own self worth. It’s not always going to be perfect, but if there is one thing to prioritize, I believe that the relationship we have with ourselves is it. You can do all the exercise, all the healthy eating, all the facials and etc, but none of that matters if you’re struggling in loving yourself.
Wait, I’m getting ahead of myself. Loving yourself is actually next level. If you’re at the stage, great! But for many of us, we need to back up a bit. I think we need to begin with being present with ourselves. Acknowledging ourselves. Standing in our own bodies, cultivating awareness. Allowing our feelings.
No matter where you’re reading this from, I invite you to take a moment to pause. Take a deep breath with me. A long inhale and a slow exhale.
Phew. This feels like a deep topic because it is.
The Dalai Lama defines love as “the absence of judgment.” But how do we get there?
As with most things I share, I caveat this post with saying I don’t have all the answers and I am far from perfect when it comes to self love. But I do have some tools that have helped me, so I’d like to share them with you now.
Practice gratitude in the morning.
The first thing I do every single morning while I am still lying in bed is kiss my shoulders. First I kiss my right shoulder and say silently to myself, “thank you. I am so glad I woke up today.” Then I kiss my left shoulder and say “I love you.” If you think this sounds cheesy, that’s ok. It is cheesy. But I swear that after doing this for the last three years or so, it’s a practice that I genuinely enjoy doing because it makes me feel good. I encourage you to try it. You don’t have to say the words aloud, and if kissing your shoulders doesn’t feel right, try giving yourself a hug. I do think touching yourself is important. If hugs and kisses aren’t your thing, then try a belly rub or placing your hands over your heart. Give yourself at least a week of doing this every day to see how it makes you feel.
Get curious.
When a negative feeling arises, get curious about it. So many times, we tend to avoid the bad feelings and cover it up with unhealthy behaviors. The next time you feel that familiar uncomfortable feeling, sit with it. Notice how it makes you feel. Move slowly before moving on.
Check in with yourself.
Find time to check in with yourself throughout the day. Building a regular meditation practice is ideal, but if you don’t have space for that in your life at the moment, think about other ways you can check in. Perhaps it’s journaling before bed, or jotting down how you feel in the notes app on your phone. The more we connect with ourselves, the more we can identify what we truly need.
See yourself.
See yourself in the mirror at least once a day. This isn’t a vanity check. It’s a moment to acknowledge yourself. Look into your own eyes and say, “I see you.” Notice how that makes you feel. If it’s hard, consider why that is.
Be kinder in your thoughts.
Be kinder in your thoughts. Ask yourself, how can I be more compassionate towards myself right now? How can I be less judgemental of myself? Our cells are always listening to our thoughts, so practice quieting your inner critic. And remember, just because you think something, it doesn’t make it true.
Be your own best friend.
Practice being your own best friend. Think about the way you speak to your loved ones. Would you ever yell at them or intentionally be rude? Most likely not, right? How can you act as your own best friend, no matter what the scenario is. Start by celebrating your wins, no matter how small. Forgive yourself, even when it feels impossible. Take time to reflect. Honor where you’re at and practice loving yourself unconditionally.
I used the word practice a lot on this post and that’s intentional. Developing and nurturing the relationship we have with ourselves is a daily commitment and practice. We won’t always get it right. But if we want to truly flourish in life, then we need to build a relationship with ourselves that is compassionate and loving, even on days when it’s hard. I hope you find these tips helpful. If you have any feedback on them, let me know in the comments below, or feel free to reach out privately.
Top photo by Jeremy Goldberg on Unsplash.
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