Inge and I are celebrating five years of marriage today! Our anniversary date is November 11, 2017, or 11-11 as we call it. We’ve gone through so much together in these last five years and as I sit here reflecting, I thought it would be fun to share five lessons I’ve learned from our time being married.
Romantic gestures sweeten a relationship
When Inge and I first started dating, we would have so much fun planning surprise dates for each other. She once whisked me away from a friend’s barbeque to take me to see Dolly Parton in concert and another time, we got into a taxi and she surprised me with Anohni tickets. For her, I tend to go all out for her birthdays. One year, I surprised her with a mafia tour of Little Italy, sit-down dinner included. Another year, I picked up lobster rolls from the Lobster Place in Chelsea Market before embarking on a sail around Manhattan. Planning epic surprise dates are a bit harder now that we have Raffi, but romantic gestures still go a long way for us. For example, Inge travels fairly often for work and when she does, she often leaves us little love notes like the one above around the house for us to find. We’ve left a few of them up as permanent displays of love in our house and Raffi proudly shows them off to visiting guests.
Laughter Keeps a Relationship Fun
When people are asked what they look for in a mate, a sense of humor is usually one of the top three things people say, myself included. I always knew Inge was funny, but what’s really been great is her ability to make me laugh in the moments when I am taking myself too seriously, or generally just need to lighten up. They say that laughter is the best medicine and in a relationship, it can bring people closer together and enhance feelings of attraction. It’s also fun to have private jokes, like a secret language we can bond over.
Clearly defined roles help when it comes to home management
This is a less sexy point, but one that I think has been crucial in our happy marriage. I don’t remember if we had an official conversation around this, but somehow, Inge and I have an informal agreement about certain household tasks.
For example, I am the one who cooks for the family and she is the one who does the dishes and takes out the garbage every night. I unload the dishwasher in the morning while she dresses Raffi for school. I tidy up the bathroom and she makes our bed every morning. I order household supplies online and she breaks down the boxes they arrive in. She does the laundry and I (sometimes) put the clothes away. I don’t recall us having a real conversation about this, but we’ve somehow found a rhythm that works for us. Having these specific roles is helpful because I never have to ask (or nag) about what needs to be done around the house and vice versa, she knows I’ll do my fair share as well.
I would also add that we don’t take these daily tasks for granted. When the bathroom is clean, Inge mentions it and acknowledges my work. When she takes out the garbage at the end of the night, I say a simple “thanks for taking out the garbage, babe.” I think it’s nice to acknowledge these things because it lets the other person know and appreciate them. And as a bonus, we’re modeling gratitude for Raffi to witness every day.
Communication is everything
Naturally, every relationship will have its challenges. But if one of us is unhappy about something the other one did, we talk to each other about it. And I should elaborate on the subheading here because it’s not just any communication style that works, but one that is backed with empathy and kindness. Of course, we can feel mad about things and have arguments, but one of the key things to a healthy relationship, in my opinion, is the ability to talk to each other from a loving point of view. I feel really lucky that Inge and I don’t have many arguments and even thinking of an example is hard, but to better illustrate my point, here’s one we’ve had in the past.
Because Inge works in music, her job often requires her to have late nights out at nightclubs and concert venues. In the past, I’ve gotten upset by this but not for the reason you may think. We’ve always trusted each other fully, so her being out late would typically be fine for me. However, as I’ve struggled with sleep issues, being awoken in the middle of the night when she gets home drives me bananas. I admit I may have yelled the first time this happened, but then I realized it would be more helpful to understand things from her perspective. After considering her point of view, I explained my own needs, but I did it in a way that was kind and loving. I wasn’t blaming her for my bad sleep, but I did explain how it affected me. We eventually came up with a solution. On the nights when she’ll be out late, she leaves her pajamas in the bathroom and her side of the bed undone. This way, she can change without worrying about waking me up and can easily slip into bed unnoticed. It could have easily turned into a source of tension in our relationship, but instead, we approached it with love for one another, and we both “won.”
The relationship you have with yourself is more important than the one with your partner
When I think about the reasons why I think Inge and I work so well, I think it’s because we’ve both done a considerable amount of work on our own selves. Partially before we met each other, but also as an ongoing practice we have individually established during our time together. For example, there are certain things I do to keep me feeling my best, which I’ve written about here before, including a daily green juice and meditation. Inge has her own versions of these things. Because we each prioritize our own well-being, it’s easier for us to come to the relationship from a good place. I think that ultimately, how we treat the people in our life, especially our romantic partners, is a reflection of how we treat ourselves. The relationship we have with ourselves then is the most important one.
And now just for fun, here are a few photos from our 2017 wedding, in case you’d like to see them. It’s fun going down memory lane and looking at these! ❤️
Wedding photos by Anna Caitlin.
Before I wrap up, I do want to share a wonderful relationship resource I recently found online. Jillian Turecki is a certified relationship coach, teacher, and writer who for 20 years has taught others how to transform their relationships with themselves. I’ve gone down the rabbit hole of her brilliant Instagram account, as well as her podcast and I love how she shares relationship guidance with a kind and warm approach, while also being quite direct. For anyone wanting to improve their relationships, including the one with themselves, I highly recommend checking out her work.
Thanks for reading.
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